Falling and Picking Up

Well last night was the last night I’ll be spending in the Grove for the next five weeks or so. As the various members of our hall filed out, the hall became less lively and soon the man wall was taken down, further solidifying the finality of this moment: the semester is over. I have survived with pretty good grades, made some sweet friends, and come to a point where I am beginning to understand where I need to be in relationship with God.

The truth be told, the past 2 months have been, as far as my personal character and relationship with God go, two of the worst months of my life. I became a very selfish person in the span of this time, and did more damage to people than help. But that’s all behind me now. I’ve made my mistakes, and it’s time to accept responsibility, accept forgiveness, and forgive myself.

Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Learn to pick myself up. That is something I often relegate to other people to do for me, instead of learning how to do it myself. I don’t like it when I fail, so I normally let myself sit on the ground in self-pity or analyzing the crap out of what caused me to fail trying to make myself perfect.

But that will never happen.

I can’t be perfect.

I will never be the person I am meant to be until I accept this fact, and embrace it. I have to embrace the flaws I have, and know that God loves me in spite of them. In fact, the only way I know how to love God is because I fail so often.

If I was perfect I wouldn’t need God. But I need Him so desperately.

So I’ll keep praying and keep striving to be the best person I can be, but at the same time I’ll learn to live with my flaws, and hopefully begin to understand that they help make me who I am. And this truth is actually quite beautiful, for God works in us despite our flaws. And sometimes He even uses our flaws to help others. What could be more beautiful than that?

Girls, Groves, and God

In recent dorm/college life news the ceiling in our hallway has now become home to various pictures of attractive movie stars and actresses. This may sound weird, but firstly we are guys, secondly none of the pictures are crude on any way, and thirdly there is a story behind this. One side of our hallway is deemed the "man wall" and has pictures exuding manliness such as Slash from Guitar Hero 3, Jason Bourne, a Subway pastrami sandwich, some random spanish dude we found in the lounge, etc. The other side is home to the "woMan wall" or "the you are dead to me wall". This wall includes pictures of kittens looking horrified spewing comments of "dumbledore is gay?" and the like. The wall is also home to a picture of the recent incarnation of the Rocky franchise...because come on...five is way too many. So this only leaves the ceiling to put other things on. In fact, up until two days ago the ceiling was untouched, however someone put a picture of Megan Fox(Transformers girl) on the "woMan wall" and this being a clear discretion of the rules, she was moved to the ceiling.

Then in the span of about two hours, Natalie Portman(circa Attack of the Clones), Hadyen Panettiere(of Heroes fame), Kiera Knightly(unfortunately a picture from King Arthur), I think Kate Beckinsale, and of course the aforementioned Megan Fox were now over our heads as we walked. I was looking for a picture of Reese Witherspoon from Walk The Line, because she looks better as a brunette(as anyone does), to put up there and couldn't find anything except a picture all too small.

Now I'm sure there are a few of you reading this, thinking that this is a little creepy and wondering why me, who has a girlfriend, was actually thinking about participating in this. However, I think a little differently, and I think Draya actually helped me think about it in this way. If one is not lusting after a girl and is simply admiring her beauty, something that can be hard to do depending on the nature of who the girl is and other factors, then it is almost akin to admiring a sunset. God created people to be beautiful, and if you can find that beauty in people and praise God for it then there is nothing wrong with it. Being attracted to people is a natural thing, just as long as this attraction doesn't morph into something potentially deadly to either a relationship with God or a significant other it is a normal part of life.

I still think one girl is prettier than all the rest. Now on to the serious part of this blog.

When I was riding back to Massachusetts, I started to listen to the trusty Relevant podcast to ward away my boredom and offer some laughs, music, and spiritual reflection. During one of the podcasts(I must have listened to three or so), Sara Groves preformed a couple songs from her new album "Tell Me What You Know." One of these songs was entitled "I Saw What I Saw", and I can say that is one of the most breathtaking songs I've heard in a while. Just Sara Groves and a piano breathlessly dropping notes into the air...but it was so much more than that. I listened to it over again, and let her voice softly resound through my ears.

So when I got back to school I opened up good old Ruckus and downloaded the album. And while the rest of the album is definitely worth a look for fans of female vocalists and intelligent lyrics, "I Saw What I Saw" still stood out. But it wasn't until a read a recent interview with Sara conducted by Christianity Today that I fully comprehended the song...well as much as one can comprehend a piece of music like that. She talks about the whole album as a culmination of really an idea started in her mind a few years ago when she began to get involved with International Justice Mission, a charity that rescues girls being abused in the sex trade, and many other things. The album to Sara is a call to get up and do something about things happening in the world, and it is seen very much so in the lyrics.

Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love

That is the chorus to "I Saw What I Saw." This is what Sara said about the song, in particular the second verse.

"That one gets me every time. I have a hard time even talking about it, and I had to go gather myself many times when I was trying to do the vocals.

I heard the story of Nagaraj, a man who with his wife was enslaved in Southeast Asia. He was working sixteen hours a day, seven days a week. They had three young sons, and as they began to get older, they were being groomed to be slaves themselves. They were beaten. They had to work in the hot sun. They were not allowed to go to school.

Nagaraj watched the abuse of his family every single day, and he started to say, "This just can't be their future. I can't live with that." And so God made a way for him—through a miraculous set of circumstances—to connect with IJM. IJM conducted an investigation and ended up freeing all eighty people that were in that compound.

They applied for a grant, and now Nagaraj and these other eighty people own a brick co-op. Now the imprint on the brick is Nagaraj's initials, where it used to be the slave owner's initials. And he holds up this brick and he says, "This is my sons' legacy—it's freedom."

In that second verse of "I Saw What I Saw," I am singing about Nagaraj's young son. I was thinking about this little boy, and asking always the question in my heart: What was heavier that whole time—the weight of those bricks as he was being groomed to carry more and more weight? Or the weight of glory on that little boy's life as an image bearer of God, not a mere mortal? When you start seeing human beings like that, it changes the whole scenery."-Sara Groves, http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/interviews/2007/saragroves-1107.html

I encourage you to read the whole interview, to understand things going on in the world a little better, and like I try and fail so often I ask you to attempt to do something about it. It's not easy, and I spend a lot of time talking and not enough doing, but without knowledge people will never really know why they should act. So check Sara Groves out...her music may not be for everyone, but the message she is spreading is for everyone. Watch for God moving in places you might not expect it, but don't look at our ceiling. It's missing the really important women...people like Sara Groves.